A moment inside the head and mind of a healer…
This is going to be geared more towards black women, but is applicable to all…
I was talking and working through some stuff on rejection, money, marriage, business and life in general.
It was interesting at first to see how much I’ve grown and changed over the last maybe 3-5 years. I can see absolutely tremendous growth and healing.
And I have so much appreciation for the work I’ve done and continue to do within myself.
Yet… Red flag!!
Because I saw a pattern I hadn’t even realized before. And it was woven in the avoidance of rejection.
As I went deeper, there was a space of weird understanding… that I’d made absolutely the best decisions or choices I knew how to make, each step of the way. However, also understanding that each decision had played it’s own part in keeping me in certain situations or repeating them.
One specific thing I’ll say is that, business, is like my Precious and my Kryptonite and my Thor’s Hammer all in one.
I am amazing at what I do. I am absolutely heart driven and sincere in my desire to help. But often I give too much and don’t respect my own boundaries. And I get mad and say fuck it and don’t want to be bothered.
And I can’t live without it because it’s my purpose and my passion. So there’s a love/hate relationship with the whole thing.
And add into all that, being a black woman.😳😳🙄🙄
There are those who are all extra woo, spiritual and frankly who I feel like gas light this part of the journey.
It’s real. And it doesn’t go away because I meditate or embrace my higher self or heal my wounds. I still wake up black. I still wake up feeling like an endangered species.
And that brings it’s own set of pain that feels like a never ending fucking choke hold on my throat.
I’m constantly hearing from someone however well intended it may be… that I’m not enough as I am.
It comes in many ways, but often being said as…
I’m too loud. Too strong. Too bold. Too successful. Too educated. Too outspoken. Too loving. Too kind.
Theres the over simplification of it, you just need to release the fear of rejection. Theres the over identifying, I got pulled over once by a cop so I feel your pain.
And it’s not just in business.
I’ve had a total of 7 miscarriages, losing a total of 8 babies. And theres so much revelation that has come as I dove deeper into the healing of this. And as I have helped other women in their fertility journey to conceive and carry a healthy pregnancy.
How could I do it for them, but not for myself..?
Part of the thread in this journey of loss, was woven by survival fear… not feeling safe in my own body. So I can’t possibly be safe for life to come through me.
And by all the bullshit constantly said in “love”. By the people who want to be so damn helpful and just don’t know how to shut the fuck up. Reinforcing that it’s not my time, it’ll happen when it’s supposed to, it’s not the right partner, yadda, yadda. All unintentionally causing more pain and wounds.
And being overly inundated by the carefully crafted imagery of blackness as a bad horrible thing across all media. Women overly masculinized, depicted as aggressive. Seeing our men heralded as beastly and idiotic.
I know it’s false.
But real talk it can get challenging to block it out. And it turns us against each other.
And my struggle to be a wife. To figure out how to navigate this maze of life that I spent the first decade and a half of my adult life running from. Constantly being overwhelmed with unhelpful, unsolicited advice.
Constantly being told I’m wrong or inappropriate. Constantly trying to figure out how to juggle business and love, and searching for the illusive happy medium.
And through all of that, having to consistently and intentionally make time to navigate all of the other shit that comes with being in this human body.
I’m an introvert.
Am I sharing enough? Showing up enough?
Am I sharing too much? Crossing boundaries? If my marriage succeeds, did I do something right? If my marriage fails, is it my fault and I’m completely incapable of learning to be a good wife?
Can I share my own story without telling too much of theirs?
Traditional marketing and promoting just doesn’t feel good for me. It’s so out of alignment that it makes me physically ill when I try to force myself to do it.
The constant work I have to put in, to find the best ways to harness my energy as an intuitive, healer, empath… respecting my needs, while respecting the needs of a business.
Having my name dragged right now, over lies that aren’t even remotely true… yet me feeling like the guilty party and wanting to “fix” things so that people will find out the truth. And having to just let it go, let it be.
Making friends. Friendship just really isn’t what it used to be.
Honoring my journey as a black woman while also working to find balance so that it doesn’t feel like it’s the only thing that I am.
And that’s just a corner slice of what goes on in my head, in my world, daily.
I started writing this at maybe 6am… but its taken me over an hour to edit, rewrite and just say fuck it. It’s my truth right now and it’s enough…
So, I hope it helps someone else and you know that you are not alone. We are all figuring this journey out, e very second.