Grace, Compassion, & Church Hurt…
Pretty long, but definitely worth the read…
I had 2 MAJOR moments of insight over the past 10 days…
1. I started to hear the message of GRACE & COMPASSION. REPEATEDLY from God/Spirit. Concerning my own emotions, (feeling what I feel and being ok with it). Because yeah i teach it, but, duh! I need the reminders😂🙄😂
2. I had an interesting experience with a church ministry that left me angry, to the point of a physical FLIGHT OR FIGHT response. I literally had to speak with a trusted friend to decompress because it had discombobulated me so badly…
I’m sharing because, whelp, it’s part of the HealingOne journey. To be transparent and share in love, lessons that might help others.
GRACE & COMPASSION…
I’m pretty loving, in fact it’s something that apparently RADIATES from me🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️. I hear this all the time. That people feel it through my hugs, through the phone. Even though emails and texts, lol. However being loving just went to a deeper level for me.
God has been asking me the question…
What would it feel like to, LOVE WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS?
To truly just accept people as they are. To receive in simple divine love. To give, with simple heart and healing. Hmmm…
Its popped up everywhere! In posts I’m seeing. Conversations. Healing sessions. Everywhere!
I’m experiencing it, deeply in my personal relationships, seeing people with new eyes. With new levels of acceptance and understanding. Seriously, more love than even I have ever felt before. ME, who RADIATES love, lol!
CHURCH MINISTRY EXPERIENCE…
I visited a church a friend goes to. Someone I trust deeply. After services were over I ended up speaking with the Pastor. When asked what I needed, I simply said prayer would be great.
That led to another person being invited into the conversation, not by me. This made me uncomfortable and originally kicked in my discomfort and warning signals. The pastor asked a few questions, which brought up emotions for me. They then left to go talk to another person and the invited person begin talking to me. I tried to listen and be “respectful”. For most of the conversation I literally stared at the ground and simply nodded my head. Eventually the conversation was over and I was ready to go.
As we stood to leave, the pastor returned and asked if I shared my problem. NO. They continued to question me, which brought more TEARS. (At this point I’m uncomfortable, emotional, trying to not show my WHOLE ASS in a church, ready to go).
The pastor then says, go ahead and confess it. What’s wrong. WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT am I confessing?
By this point, TWO MORE people interject themself into the conversation. So I’m surrounded by 4 people, asking me what’s wrong, telling me I need to talk about it. (Let me also say, this took place with at least 15 other people in the room around us). So I was literally on display.
We sit back down, 4 people literally surrounding me, each trying to talk over each other and tell me how they think I feel. They remind me of themselves, they understand what I’m feeling. By this point my heart is racing, my back and neck have tensed up. One person keeps rubbing my hair, no permission from me to literally run her fingers through my hair.
By this point I’m sweating, heart racing. I’m in my head literally trying to talk myself down and keep myself from being a complete storm in this space.
Finally, trying to decompress the hard and intense energy I’m feeling, I try to answer a few questions. I even let them know, thank you for trying to be helpful but the way you are trying to minister to me is really not effective. I have a background in ministry, i know the bible. So asking me if I know Jesus, and telling me about your problems and how they help you understand my problem, NOT HELPING.
This leads then leads to them telling me that I’m not willing to listen. I’m not willing to humble myself to God or surrendering to his will. My bad, I didn’t realize this meant that I had to submit to thinking and feeling what you think I should.
I’m visibly upset at this point (as told to me by another person who spoke to me afterwards. Had seen the whole exchange and was also made uncomfortable by it). Let it also be known, my friend hadn’t seen any of it as they were in the back helping clean up).
My self control by this point is wearing thin and my attitude is visibly changing. I try a few more times to respond in a way to let them know, thank you but no thank you. This isn’t what I asked for. This isn’t what I wanted. And I’m going to stick with my communication with God. Conversation comes to a close.
They then ask me will I return. FUCK NO! (I try to nicely tell them no, probably not because this was overwhelming and not what I asked for). Which then leads the pastor to LITERALLY say, “well you asked me for prayer”.
I. ONLY. ASKED. FOR. PRAYER.
I never asked for counseling or to me a fucking spectacle in front of other people.
As I’m leaving, the person who had been paying attention quietly comes to me and says she sees me trying to regain my composure and had seen the visibly clear signs of my discomfort. They had actually tried to bring her into the conversation as well and she’d declined. THE ONLY ONE WITH SOME DAMN SENSE.
To bring this to close…
My friend found out from the witness and checked on me later. She then felt compelled to ask the pastor WHY that had happened, because it was out of order.
She was informed that I was close minded and was unwilling to listen to what they had to say. VICTIM SHAMING!!! They created a situation that literally victimized me, and then made it my fault.
I don’t have a problem letting someone pray for me if I feel comfortable. But I don’t let just anyone pray for me and I don’t seek counseling from just anyone. I have a trusted pastor I seek counseling with. I have trusted spiritual coaches and healers I work with when needed. This was not a situation where I needed or wanted in depth PRYING. SIMPLE PRAYER.
Since when the fuck does simply saying “prayer would be good”, mean that a person needs to be degraded, embarrassed, overwhelmed emotionally, and subjected to emotional pain?
The only thing that stopped me from showing my whole ass was that it has been ingrained in me for so long to be RESPECTFUL of my elders. To respect leadership.
And let me be honest… it wasn’t the right or healthy response for me. I should have spoken up and showed out if I needed to. Because they weren’t hearing me.
But this was a powerful spotlight on something that I can release. That old ingrained training. I don’t have to be mistreated, to be respectful. So I’m going to work on that.
My hope in sharing is that it will be a spotlight for someone else. If you went through that, stop blaming yourself. It’s not your fault and you have every right to feel how you feel. You do not have to hold the weight of someone else’s bullshit. You are not being rude, disrespectful, unwilling to listen, hindering God and any other such bullshit that they will tell you.
If you’re ever faced with it, please speak up and stop it. “DISRESPECTFUL” or not, you have every right to put an end to anything and anyone who is making you feel uncomfortable or digging in emotional wounds that they have no training for or understanding of, especially if they dont know you.
This experience though deeply uncomfortable and painful, brought up necessary things so that I can release it. It helped me realize there’s still some “church hurt”. So GRACE & COMPASSION…see how it all ties in lol. So I’m feeling what I need to feel. Expressing it and being ok with it.
I did feel some major anger when I heard of the pastors response. And I simply reminded myself, that’s their shit and I’m not owning it. I’m not going to blame myself or take ownership of the shitty and wrong situation that they created.
And I’m definitely working on releasing that programming that made me sit in that uncomfortable situation and feel like I had to take it. It was truly weird because I’ve gotten used to just being the “asshole” and telling people i don’t like something, or being rude.
But something was triggered and tapped into that old programming. So I’ll let it come up as it needs to and be graceful and compassionate.
Yeah it was long, but if you read all the way to the end you are a fucking ROCK STAR and I know it spoke to you. Thank you for reading🤗😍